I just wanna.

I’m told to follow the rules,
To stay on the straight path,
I’m told that things will work out if I just follow the plan,
If I work hard, go to a good school,
Get a pretty degree,
Get a high-paying job
So I can take care of a wife and kids and a dog
and I hope there’s no cat,
And they can grow big and strong and do the same things as me,
And I can happily retire.
Then I can die.
People lie to me to shut me up.

But I don’t want to do any of that.
At least not yet.
I don’t want to follow the plan that I never made,
And I’d rather not follow a plan that I made,
Because I’m good at making bad decisions,
Or so I’m told.

I just wanna.
I just wanna do,
Do because I can,
And I won’t restrain myself any longer.
I just wanna dance,
Strut down the street,
Step in time to my internal beat
Imagine a world where people aren’t ashamed to move,
Move their bodies
Sensually,
Awkwardly,
Provocatively,
A world of booty shaking and head banging,
Disco poses and pirouettes.
I just wanna shout myself hoarse,
Sing out of the shower,
Rip open my shirt and show my vocal power,
Be off key and squeak and groove
And sound terrible but it’s ok,
Because everyone sucks at something,
But it doesn’t mean we can’t try.
I wanna sing some show tunes
And not know the words
And hum the bridge and try and whistle,
Snap my fingers, beatbox a little,
And I’ll dance some more,
Become a human tornado
And collapse in exhaustion
And for once, sleep without dreaming of seriousness.

I wanna feel like a man,
Not a slave to rules and expectations and nonsense,
Feel powerful,
Not impotent,
Not a face in the crowd,
A statistic, easy to erase.
I wanna feel like I can change something,
Do something meaningful with my life,
Because I worry that when I die,
I’ll wish I could press replay.

I wanna stop hearing grown-ups say I don’t know what love is,
They say I’m too young to feel so deeply,
That I should wait and date and eventually mate,
That until I have kids, I’ll know what worry is,
Because then I’ll understand,
But I do know what it’s like to need someone,
I know what addiction feels like,
Like life as lost its color,
Like a headache and backache and heartache,
Like there is no such thing as too much,
Like life’s only worth living if loves is there.
Because sometimes my heart feels like a stretched water balloon,
Bursting, squirting out liquid love,
Love that turns to mist that I can semi-see,
Breathe in the sanguine fumes,
And exhale like it’s the last breath I’ll ever have.

I want a lot of things,
I probably won’t get most of them,
But I’ll try,
And damned if I live given goals and objectives,
And take life as presented.

PBR Sonnet

Free me from these dreams of divinity
My muse, oh the temptress of my soul
Disappear from my mind I beg thee,
Your absence leaves my heart but a hole.

It is your dazzling fashion, your hipster clothes
You have a body sculpted by God, an ass befitting of a queen
A face blindingly beautiful, from your ears to your nose
It is to this I write my poem, it is to this I sing.

I plead to thee, reveal thy naked eyes
Remove your prized glasses, your facade, your mask
Do not be ashamed, the insults are jealous lies
Gaze upon me, for I give you this task,

Return to my life; I am truly bewitched.
This is say lover; you are a sexy bitch.

Missingno

A species existing only in the gaps of fantasy
A glitch
A programmer’s error
A non-entity
Has fame only in its fakeness
But it is free
Free from the rules, the confines of the world
The limitations upon growth
The limitations of letters
It delves into symbols unused
It has no merchandise, no television show,
It is a spoken secret between gamers,
A corrected flaw.
But it is not broken
Just a shard of imagination.

(Honestly) To No One in Particular

When I say I love you, what I mean to say is fuck it.
Fuck the games we are taught to play
By copycat rom-coms,
By anyone who says being hard to get is what guys want,
Because sure, part of us does want a challenge,
Wants to chase you,
Wants to be confused,
Wants to want and not simply receive.
But guys tend to lie to themselves.
Because we don’t know what to do if the woman of our dreams,
Comes right up into our face,
With heart in hand,
And fragile feelings stomped down too many times,
And she just says I love you.
Because we are all afraid that we don’t know what we will say,
We pretend we are afraid of commitment,
Of feeling suffocated,
But we're afraid of feeling in the first place.
And we are scared of that.
So I’m saying I love you,
And I don’t want anything from you in return,
Right now, I don’t want to give you flowers,
Or chocolates
Or jewelry
As if things will make the statement anymore true,
I’m not trying to convince you of anything.
This isn’t a court case,
I’m not providing evidence
And it’s not a medical study,
Because nothing really shows love,
I can arch my back,
Self groom,
Look down away and to the left,
And people say this means love,
But what they mean to say is infatuation.
Right now, I’m not going to compliment you,
Because I’m not trying to win your heart,
Like a 4th grade spelling bee,
Like a lottery ticket,
And I honestly don’t know where to start,
Do I start with your stunning physical qualities?
Your eyes,
which twinkle when you talk about things you care so deeply about,
which light on fire when anyone hurts the things you care about,
which blacken when you are sad,
And I hate when you sad,
Because I feel helpless,
I say to myself that I want to make you happy,
But that’s because I heard someone else say it,
And it’s bullshit because it implies that I can control your emotions,
And what I actually mean,
Is that I want to share your pain,
And my eyes may blacken with you,
And I will hurt with you,
But you are worth it.
People say to compliment a woman’s emotional characteristics,
Because it is more likely to incite an emotional response,
But fuck that,
Because you feel far stronger than I could ever describe,
Because when you say I wish you would be happier,
You mean it with all your heart,
And I can see your hand shake a bit,
But that doesn’t mean as much because I can feel your soul shake
When you talk about hope,
Ambition for a better future for all,
It’s not the lie that beauty pageant girls or slimy politicians say,
But it’s because you rage when you see injustice,
And you tear up when you see agony,
And you smile the most when you see your friends succeed,
And I love that about you.
No matter what compliment I say,
I’m sidestepping the truth.
I love so many parts of you,
And I could go on and on and on about you
But I don’t,
Because you are here,
And all I want to say is “I love you”,
But what I really mean is “This is me.”

Smile just because.

I heard a guy say that friends were the most important part of his life.
I heard a guy say that he had friends who knew him better than he knew himself.
I heard a guy say that he didn’t know what he would do without his friends.
I heard a guy say a lot of things,
But I’m not sure he heard himself.
Because I’ve heard all these sayings from other people,
And I’m not sure they heard themselves either.
They talk about friends like an abstract concept,
Something ideal, defining,
Something they cherish,
Something they love,
But all they are talking about are things.
I see you.
And I see a man,
And I see flaws,
See problems in your life,
See mistakes you have made,
See you hurt,
And I stop seeing after a while,
Because I don’t have to look back on memories,
And talk about things you’ve done,
Or who I think you are,
About how incredible you are,
About how amazed I am at your inner strength,
Because it’s not strength you possess,
Because you can lose strength with the passing years.
I’ve seen your pain,
And I wonder how you smile sometimes,
Smile to make others smile,
Smile because it’s good to smile,
Smile for no reason
And you become something more than a smile,
Grow past your pain
Live life, not living in the past,
But being in the now,
Because you are so much more than things I can see
Or feel
Or remember.
Because your very being is more than life can contain.
And I smile,
Because you are here,
And refuse to not be other people’s thoughts,
Just a thing they talk about,
Something they say in passing,
Something they don’t hear themselves.
You are,
And I know I can be,
Someone, not something
No matter what happens.