I just wanna.

I’m told to follow the rules,
To stay on the straight path,
I’m told that things will work out if I just follow the plan,
If I work hard, go to a good school,
Get a pretty degree,
Get a high-paying job
So I can take care of a wife and kids and a dog
and I hope there’s no cat,
And they can grow big and strong and do the same things as me,
And I can happily retire.
Then I can die.
People lie to me to shut me up.

But I don’t want to do any of that.
At least not yet.
I don’t want to follow the plan that I never made,
And I’d rather not follow a plan that I made,
Because I’m good at making bad decisions,
Or so I’m told.

I just wanna.
I just wanna do,
Do because I can,
And I won’t restrain myself any longer.
I just wanna dance,
Strut down the street,
Step in time to my internal beat
Imagine a world where people aren’t ashamed to move,
Move their bodies
Sensually,
Awkwardly,
Provocatively,
A world of booty shaking and head banging,
Disco poses and pirouettes.
I just wanna shout myself hoarse,
Sing out of the shower,
Rip open my shirt and show my vocal power,
Be off key and squeak and groove
And sound terrible but it’s ok,
Because everyone sucks at something,
But it doesn’t mean we can’t try.
I wanna sing some show tunes
And not know the words
And hum the bridge and try and whistle,
Snap my fingers, beatbox a little,
And I’ll dance some more,
Become a human tornado
And collapse in exhaustion
And for once, sleep without dreaming of seriousness.

I wanna feel like a man,
Not a slave to rules and expectations and nonsense,
Feel powerful,
Not impotent,
Not a face in the crowd,
A statistic, easy to erase.
I wanna feel like I can change something,
Do something meaningful with my life,
Because I worry that when I die,
I’ll wish I could press replay.

I wanna stop hearing grown-ups say I don’t know what love is,
They say I’m too young to feel so deeply,
That I should wait and date and eventually mate,
That until I have kids, I’ll know what worry is,
Because then I’ll understand,
But I do know what it’s like to need someone,
I know what addiction feels like,
Like life as lost its color,
Like a headache and backache and heartache,
Like there is no such thing as too much,
Like life’s only worth living if loves is there.
Because sometimes my heart feels like a stretched water balloon,
Bursting, squirting out liquid love,
Love that turns to mist that I can semi-see,
Breathe in the sanguine fumes,
And exhale like it’s the last breath I’ll ever have.

I want a lot of things,
I probably won’t get most of them,
But I’ll try,
And damned if I live given goals and objectives,
And take life as presented.